Loving and Leading Difficult People

Loving and Leading Difficult People Rev. Johnny Ray Noble, Ph.D I recently attended a pastor’s first appreciation service. The worship experience was great. There were various well wishers from churches all over the area, so many the modest edifice could not hold the crowd and worshippers overflowed into the hallway and in extra chairs in the aisles. Pastors flooded the pulpit and were stationed in the pews. The offering was raised in good spirit and was a treasure any servant of God would be delighted to receive. The preacher of the hour gave a soul stirring message and great words of encouragement from the Holy Writ. It looked liked and felt like an appropriate outpouring of love to honor the servant leadership of such a dynamic, energetic, young shepherd. Gifts, cards, warm words were exchanged and then the pastor takes center stage, stands behind the pulpit, and amidst the “thank you’s” and “I love you’s” the mood changed dramatically and instantly. The next words falling from the pastor’s lips stung like a bumble bee on a hot summer day. He narrowed his eyes gripped the pulpit and aimed his words, “Let me pastor you, and quit fighting me. If you vote me out, I have a home. We need to make this church into what God wants it to be, and the honeymoon is over now. Satan hit me with your best shot. I am ready. I am not scared and I ain’t gonna run.” As I was sitting there taking this all in, I wanted to run up to my fellow pastor, my brother, my friend, and embrace him, because his words emanated from great frustration and resistance to his ideas, plans, changes, and spiritual direction from some of his church leaders. He was experiencing betrayal, hurt, and disappointment. I have known this feeling all too well. For a moment I saw myself when I was young in my pastoral experience at my second church going through the same thing with a contrary deacon chair. I was so demoralized and too embarrassed to ask anyone for help with the situation I was facing, and felt isolated and all alone. I said some things in the “heat of the moment” not to be mean spirited or hurt the people but I was really crying for help, for someone to rescue me, a shoulder to cry on. I knew God was there for me, but at this moment I desired a manifestation of tangible power. The harsh reality is there are pastors all of the country experiencing this type of resistance in their ministry, and either have exhausted their means of help and support or since pastors lead such an isolated life they have few friends they can trust to keep things confidential or who will not give a slanted opinion but good sound spiritual advice. Young pastors (in age and pastoral leadership) need to be taught how to love and lead difficult people. There is an effective way and an ineffective method to deal with personal attacks, wounding words, diabolical schemes, and a myriad of other situations affecting our families and which threaten our ministry. There is no “cookie cutter” approach to loving and leading difficult people, however I will share what I have gleaned over the past two decades of ministry. Refrain From Arguing I have learned when opposition shows its head it is often mean spirited talk done by complainers or mummers. When faced with someone who is seeking direct confrontation with us, arguing and exchanging unkind words is seldom effective. Complainers and opposers are rarely convinced. They are best handled by defusing their attack, and redirecting the situation. We will lose if we respond wrongly in a situation and the circumstance will only get worse. Sometimes we must confront but it has to be carried out in the spirit of smart love laced with Christian behavior above reproach. We must learn to view the other individual as a child of God. This is often easier said than done, but with God all things are possible. The key is to accept the value of the person, while disapproving his/her actions. Control The Temperature of Diversity I have also learned I can manage difficult moments and conflicts by controlling the thermostat (environment or church climate). The pastor is the pacesetter for the social climate in their church. The pastor should set the rules of engagement relating to conflict management in their church. Everyone must be told disagreements are allowed and all people’s opinions are valued and will be given consideration. No one should feel guilty or fear reprisal for voicing a dissenting view. Each person must be allowed to state his/her position with dignity, clarity, and respect. There is nothing unhealthy about presenting dissenting views as long as the person is not inflicting needless, hurt, embarrassment, or disrespect to others. Unless people are told how to disagree and what the grievance procedures are conflicts and opposition will often be prolonged. Individuals tend to avoid the real issues until they feel secure to voice their concerns without risking irreparable damage to the church, themselves, or their interests. See Difficult People Through The Eyes of Christ The natural response is to strike back when we have been attacked. Retaliation is a normal human response, but is not the best response for the pastor as a leader and nurturer of sheep. Now I am not advocating a group of timid pastors/leaders afraid to speak and side step issues affecting their ministry. I am suggesting seeing the person and the conflict through the eyes of Christ. When we are under attack we want to put up defenses to protect us emotionally. We get sensitive and recoil to even the slightest push or shove. Seeing people through the eyes of Christ can help keep us from over reacting and allowing displays of painful unkind words to spoil happy moments and take center stage. When we view people who are gving us a difficult time as “lions”, “bulldogs”, “dragons” etc…the situation seems to grow out of control and insurmountable, however when we view them as “wounded sheep” it takes the ferocity out of the fight. Assume someone who is set on becoming your adversary is a wounded sheep in need of a Sheppard. Sheep are fearful creatures; timid in nature, and many times their resistance is because of the fear of the unknown, especially with a new pastor early on the pastorate. Seeing people through the eyes of Christ does not change them but it does change how we treat and react to them. Don’t Pray About Them, Pray For Them Learn to pray for the person hurting you. When we pray for a person and change talking to God about them, a whole new dimension enters. Samuel was defeated in a “business meeting” and offers us an example of the power of praying for those difficult folks we encounter in our ministries. Sometimes the very folks are trusted leaders can wounded us resulting in devastating injuries. God had appointed Samuel as a judge and unquestioned leader of Israel, but the day arrived when the people turned on him and demanded a king instead. Samuel tried to reason with them to no avail. Yet, he did not resign, leave his post, or become hardened or slack against the people who rejected his authority and leadership. He took his concerns to God and instead he uttered in 1 Samuel 12:22-23, “For the sake of His great name, the Lord will not reject His people, because the Lord was pleased to make you His own. As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right.” Even after the business meeting went ary, Samuel resolved God’s people deserve prayer simply because they belong to God. Samuel continued to pray and teach a whole nation through difficulty, the question is, can we continue to preach and teach to a church with a few difficult people? Be Gentle But Firm Pastors must realize authority is on your side. Dr. F.D. Sampson, Sr. (Friendship Missionary Baptist Church, Houston, Texas) shared with me what the late Dr. E. Stanley Branch shared with him, “If you stand if front of people expect to get kicked.” I fully understand those words to mean we should expect some opposition when leading people. After all, leadership is providing purpose, motivation, and direction to move people to accomplish goals they would not ordinarily accomplish themselves through coaching, training, and mentoring. There will always be some resistance when we are managing change, implementing systems, and enforcing standards. In these moments and situations people expect a pastor to respond to opposition with factual, decisive, and spiritual guidance. If the pastor expects the opposition in leadership the pastor can respond in a positive way. Pastors can choose rebuke gently and not with fire and “brimstone” to preserve relationships. Don’t attack people openly because others who are not part of the problem will defend a humble pastor versus a pastor who presents a hostile attitude. We listen to the opposition because sometimes they have valid concerns; they just air those concerns in a hostile manner, however we must gently explain we have to make difficult decisions about what the church can and cannot do in regards to their concern. This may not fix what’s wrong, but it being firm gentle but firm diffuses anger. The spirit needed for leading and loving difficult people is not one of fear and withdrawal nor of arrogant power. God calls us as pastors to possess a spirit of love, gentleness, meekness, long suffering, and kindness. We must learn in order to lead them we have to learn to love them.